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I'm not Fat, I'm Pregnant
I think the hardest part of the first months of pregnancy - aside from the constant nausea, exhaustion and feeling that there is an alien growing in your belly - is the fact that, at this point, no one knows you're pregnant. You feel pudgy, pukey and generally cranky, but you can't quite play your pregnancy card yet. As such, your friends and loved ones who don't know about the alien figure that you must be depressed about gaining weight. (For the record, the pregnancy card is a beautiful thing, and you and your husband will enjoy its effectiveness for months to come.) But that's a little further down the line. Right now, you just look fat and act hungover.

Ways the first trimester is like a hangover:

  • you justify gross fast foods by saying they will make you feel better
  • you want to sleep all day
  • you're emotionally... err… off kilter and prone to extreme bouts of crying or bitchiness for no particular reason

The difference, of course, is that the pregnancy is a marvelous gift from God and a beautiful beginning to something more stupendous that we could ever imagine. The hangover, meanwhile, is just a devilish trick compliments of an evil-doer with a G&T monogram. But enough of this, let's talk about what to wear.

Well, not your skinny jeans. And probably not your skintight designer tops. Give them all a rest, your days as a svelte, sinewy goddess will resume in approximately 280 days. For now, you'd best focus on the 'relaxed' look. There really is no need to race out for elastic waist jeans until about week 10 - they will only tempt you to spend more money on ice cream and Big Macs. (Seriously, I may not turn mine in when it's all over. Excellent bingeing attire - maternity clothes.) Instead, go through your closet and find all your a-line skirts, your low waisted items (they may not sit as low as they used to, but they will keep you clothed for a while) and your basic blouses. Basic blouses are key during the hangover stage. They hide the mini-mountains forming on your chest without making you look like you're wearing a tent. (Tents come later, along with the pregnancy card.) Remember, you look the size you dress. So, while you're trying to keep the cat in the bag and yet abate the rumors of your depression-induced gain-a-thon, stick with the non-waist and boobie hugging items from your normal girl wardrobe.

Since your pregnancy doesn't feel quite 'real' yet and thus retailing for things like cribs, Moses baskets, strollers and car seat seems a little foreign, I believe the first trimester is a great time to indulge in shoe and accessory retail therapy. After all, if you're about to have a baby, then you're about to be a grown-up. And what grown-up lady doesn't own a pair of Manolos (aside from about 99.5% of the population) or a Prada bag (I think we should get pink for a girl, blue for a boy) or perhaps a wee little Pucci scarf? (For further justification on buying expensive shoes: you need flats now. Pregnant women need to be mindful of their backs.) Before long, you will have to think about buying a bigger house, furnishing a nursery, and filling a wardrobe for your own little precious wee one. But now, he/she is about the size of a peanut (out of the shell) - so I say, live large. No pun intended, of course.

Which brings me back to the beginning… you're not fat, you're pregnant. Word will get out soon enough, and your green-ish pallor will turn rosy as your peanut grows into a lemon. You'll glow and radiate a joy that cannot be attained by flirty duds - though everyone will undoubtedly notice and covet your shoes and other stunning accessories. And so until that time, rest yourself and remember how blessed we are to be able to create a life - and wear designer shoes. What a journey lies ahead…

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